Call From Unavailable
A very sweet Indian lady called asking for Mr Smith. After asking what 'all this nonsense was about', Mr Smith (who by this time had adopted a strong Yorkshire-ish accent) agreed to talk to her.
It turns out that she works for a number of claims companies specialising in injury claims which have happened within the last three years. By a remarkable coincidence, Mr Smith had an injury which fitted this very profile.
She asked what the injury was and I replied that I lost my hand waving out of a car window at a bird, got distracted when this bird failed to respond and this lead to my hand being sheared off by a passing lamppost. She initially thought I meant of the feathered variety but a quick description containing some blonde hair and big tits put her right.
She seemed confused as to why I would be waving at a young lady when I explained that I 'fancied a bit of that cos I'd gone without for a while'.
I said that I tried suing both the local council and car manufacturer but to no avail.
I asked her how much a lost hand would be worth but she didn't know and wanted to pass me over to the 'solli ster' (which turned out to be a solicitor after some probing).
The 'solli ster' will apparently call me back later to discuss how much I can expect to get for this tragic incident.
I have a sneaking suspicion that no-one will call.
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Thursday, 18 November 2010
In Which Our Ordinary Man Gets Murdered. Again.
Call from 0845 4506 682.
Indian chap calling about a home improvements survey. I advised that Mr Smith had been murdered that morning and that we were all very shocked.
Caller asked if I was a friend or relative and I replied that I was his boyfriend and lover. He gave his brief condolences and asked if I wanted to take the survey instead. Only 60 seconds he said.
I replied that we were waiting for the police to arrive and he said I could take the survey whilst waiting.
I declined and he hung up.
Indian chap calling about a home improvements survey. I advised that Mr Smith had been murdered that morning and that we were all very shocked.
Caller asked if I was a friend or relative and I replied that I was his boyfriend and lover. He gave his brief condolences and asked if I wanted to take the survey instead. Only 60 seconds he said.
I replied that we were waiting for the police to arrive and he said I could take the survey whilst waiting.
I declined and he hung up.
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Don't Take No For An Answer!
Call from Unavailable.
A delightful chap called John called today and wanted to introduce Mr Smith to the delights of switching energy suppliers.
I explained that Mr Smith had recently fallen in to an industrial shredder and we were just off to his funeral right now.
John obviously took this as a buying signal.
He said that it would only take a few moments to switch and it would be a good way to save money and maybe pay for the funeral. I explained that Mr Smiths wife was in tears nearby (realistic sound effects confirmed this) and that the rest of the family were waiting in the hearse.
John wanted me to ask if any other family members would like to save money by switching and it he would only need a name and postcode to get things started.
I said that I could hear the undertaker beeping the horn and that I would have to go now.
John asked what time the funeral finished so he could call back later and I said that to honour Mr Smiths memory we would burn down the house and move abroad. John said that his firm also worked with overseas energy suppliers so that wouldn't be a problem.
I praised him for his persistence but I really had to go as the corpse was seeping out of the coffin and the local dogs were licking it up. He agreed that I needed to go but promised that he'd call back again later.
He didn't.
A delightful chap called John called today and wanted to introduce Mr Smith to the delights of switching energy suppliers.
I explained that Mr Smith had recently fallen in to an industrial shredder and we were just off to his funeral right now.
John obviously took this as a buying signal.
He said that it would only take a few moments to switch and it would be a good way to save money and maybe pay for the funeral. I explained that Mr Smiths wife was in tears nearby (realistic sound effects confirmed this) and that the rest of the family were waiting in the hearse.
John wanted me to ask if any other family members would like to save money by switching and it he would only need a name and postcode to get things started.
I said that I could hear the undertaker beeping the horn and that I would have to go now.
John asked what time the funeral finished so he could call back later and I said that to honour Mr Smiths memory we would burn down the house and move abroad. John said that his firm also worked with overseas energy suppliers so that wouldn't be a problem.
I praised him for his persistence but I really had to go as the corpse was seeping out of the coffin and the local dogs were licking it up. He agreed that I needed to go but promised that he'd call back again later.
He didn't.
Monday, 1 November 2010
Fallen From A Window.
Call from Unavailable.
Indian chap called Jeremy called regarding wiping out all Mr Smiths credit card debts. He sounded very keen so I said that I would get Mr Smith right away.
Unfortunately Mr Smith was leaning out of the window at the time and my voice startled him and he fell 30 feet on to the road and died.
Jeremy said sorry and asked if anyone else there had debts. I replied that I was going to jump out of the window myself and Jeremy said goodbye and hung up.
Indian chap called Jeremy called regarding wiping out all Mr Smiths credit card debts. He sounded very keen so I said that I would get Mr Smith right away.
Unfortunately Mr Smith was leaning out of the window at the time and my voice startled him and he fell 30 feet on to the road and died.
Jeremy said sorry and asked if anyone else there had debts. I replied that I was going to jump out of the window myself and Jeremy said goodbye and hung up.
Wednesday, 14 July 2010
On The Toilet
Call from Withheld.
A lovely Indian chap named James called today and wanted to spread the love about writing off credit card charges.
This is a subject dear to Mr Smiths wallet so he took the call. Whilst on the toilet.
It wasn't a pleasant conversation for either of us. Mr Smith had some kind of impacted fecal plug and James was asked to find a painkiller and toilet paper delivery service locally but failed.
Telling a complete stranger, whose first language isn't English, how to spell ibuprofen through gritted teeth is most difficult.
Several minutes of straining later, Mr Smith felt a twinge in his chest and fainted, dropping the phone.
James hung up.
A lovely Indian chap named James called today and wanted to spread the love about writing off credit card charges.
This is a subject dear to Mr Smiths wallet so he took the call. Whilst on the toilet.
It wasn't a pleasant conversation for either of us. Mr Smith had some kind of impacted fecal plug and James was asked to find a painkiller and toilet paper delivery service locally but failed.
Telling a complete stranger, whose first language isn't English, how to spell ibuprofen through gritted teeth is most difficult.
Several minutes of straining later, Mr Smith felt a twinge in his chest and fainted, dropping the phone.
James hung up.
Monday, 14 June 2010
Well, Well, Well. What's All This Then?
Call from Unavailable.
An Indian gentleman by the name of Colin called and did his pitch about our old friend the debt write-off.
Unfortunately, Mr Smith had to conduct the entire phone call whilst stuck down a well. This impressive piece of theatre was helped by a kitchen roll inner tube and a slight well-related accent complete with echoes.
A little known fact is that Mr Smith is frightened of the dark, wells and rats. All of these conspired to make Mr Smith agitated and Colin quite concerned for Mr Smiths safety and wellbeing. So concerned in fact that he didn't stop making his pitch for even a moment, probably out of respect for his debt/well related problems.
Mr Smith informed Colin that he would love to partake in this debt write-off scheme, but was stuck down a well at present and unable to make the initial payment of £500 to secure his place.
Colin said that was not a problem and when would Mr Smith be getting out of the well?
Mr Smith was just getting ready to answer when the well walls started to fall in, trapping him quite dramatically. This obviously disqualified him from any debt write-off scheme and Colin said his goodbyes and hung up.
An Indian gentleman by the name of Colin called and did his pitch about our old friend the debt write-off.
Unfortunately, Mr Smith had to conduct the entire phone call whilst stuck down a well. This impressive piece of theatre was helped by a kitchen roll inner tube and a slight well-related accent complete with echoes.
A little known fact is that Mr Smith is frightened of the dark, wells and rats. All of these conspired to make Mr Smith agitated and Colin quite concerned for Mr Smiths safety and wellbeing. So concerned in fact that he didn't stop making his pitch for even a moment, probably out of respect for his debt/well related problems.
Mr Smith informed Colin that he would love to partake in this debt write-off scheme, but was stuck down a well at present and unable to make the initial payment of £500 to secure his place.
Colin said that was not a problem and when would Mr Smith be getting out of the well?
Mr Smith was just getting ready to answer when the well walls started to fall in, trapping him quite dramatically. This obviously disqualified him from any debt write-off scheme and Colin said his goodbyes and hung up.
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
Arrested For Treason
Call from Unavailable.
English chap asked for Mr Smith and offered to change his utility suppliers and save a HUGE amount of money.
I advised chappie that Mr Smith had been arrested at gunpoint for High Treason and was expected to be executed the following day. He expressed surprise that the death penalty was still an option but offered to change utility suppliers for the benefit of his estate and heirs anyway.
Persistence often pays off so I said that his wife was with me and very concerned about money.
Adopting a realistic female voice I chatted with him for a while before I told him that I lived in a tent in a park and didn't have any utility suppliers to speak off other than the occasional hosing down by the park keepers.
Would he be able to reduce my bills for that I asked?
Apparently not.
He apologised for taking up my time and hung up.
English chap asked for Mr Smith and offered to change his utility suppliers and save a HUGE amount of money.
I advised chappie that Mr Smith had been arrested at gunpoint for High Treason and was expected to be executed the following day. He expressed surprise that the death penalty was still an option but offered to change utility suppliers for the benefit of his estate and heirs anyway.
Persistence often pays off so I said that his wife was with me and very concerned about money.
Adopting a realistic female voice I chatted with him for a while before I told him that I lived in a tent in a park and didn't have any utility suppliers to speak off other than the occasional hosing down by the park keepers.
Would he be able to reduce my bills for that I asked?
Apparently not.
He apologised for taking up my time and hung up.
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
A Long Wait
Call from Withheld.
In a week where we received maybe a dozen or more similar calls, we got bored of talking to them so we decided to see how long they would hold on for.
We tried two methods.
1) "I'm really interested in this. Wait until I get my details ready" and then put the phone to one side whilst occasionally asking "Still there? Just a moment"
2) "I'm really interested in this. Wait until I get my details ready" and then nothing.
Method 1 produced a total wait time of 9 minutes.
Method 2 produced a total wait time of 6 minutes.
The latter method is more fun as it means someone is just sitting there with nothing to do.
In a week where we received maybe a dozen or more similar calls, we got bored of talking to them so we decided to see how long they would hold on for.
We tried two methods.
1) "I'm really interested in this. Wait until I get my details ready" and then put the phone to one side whilst occasionally asking "Still there? Just a moment"
2) "I'm really interested in this. Wait until I get my details ready" and then nothing.
Method 1 produced a total wait time of 9 minutes.
Method 2 produced a total wait time of 6 minutes.
The latter method is more fun as it means someone is just sitting there with nothing to do.
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Card Confusion
Call from Withheld.
A lovely call from an English girl called Pat. She wanted to wipeout Mr Smiths credit card debts and charges with a 100% guarantee. All I would have to do is provide an upfront payment of £500 which itself would be wiped out. Winners all around!
She did mention that it was only credit cards she could wipe out so I asked to hold on whilst I checked to see which cards I had.
Several minutes of complete silence later I returned to the phone.
I apologised for the confusion and admitted that I had no credit cards, only Christmas cards and would they work as well.
She called me a fucking cunt and hung up.
A lovely call from an English girl called Pat. She wanted to wipeout Mr Smiths credit card debts and charges with a 100% guarantee. All I would have to do is provide an upfront payment of £500 which itself would be wiped out. Winners all around!
She did mention that it was only credit cards she could wipe out so I asked to hold on whilst I checked to see which cards I had.
Several minutes of complete silence later I returned to the phone.
I apologised for the confusion and admitted that I had no credit cards, only Christmas cards and would they work as well.
She called me a fucking cunt and hung up.
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